I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You Might Also Like
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again