“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
You Might Also Like
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks