A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Okay
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”