one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
You Might Also Like
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My dad teaching me to drive
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.