I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
You Might Also Like
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.