The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood