The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
You Might Also Like
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s