Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.