ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.