if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.