Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”