7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
No one :
Me when I swimming :