You Might Also Like
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?