“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
You Might Also Like
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Has there ever been a more American story?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.