Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language