Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
i prefer mine room temperature.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Look at this
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
pelicons
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY