[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”