Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[montage of me giving-up]
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick