[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
You Might Also Like
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Left at a local drug store…
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”