Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.