If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
love it when they get my name right
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.