Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
🤣🤣💀
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.