professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day