Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
You Might Also Like
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
That de-escalated quickly
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”