The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”