Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
(Jupiter –
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Always…
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.