Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.