Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Festive toon…
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true