Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
absolutely not
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Never be a pizza!
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.