I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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Found the job I’m suited for
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.