I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Made something I’m not proud of
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell