Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.