Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦