[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Natty or not?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
They also CAN sing✌️
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.