even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong