The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
January has been Januweary
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
He just like my cat fr
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.