“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.