I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Fidel Castro was alive?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me