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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
No regrets in 2018
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*