11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’M CRYINGGG
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I ate everything, including the H.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.