We are the people our parents warned us about.
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[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
smh
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.