The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
You Might Also Like
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper