A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.