There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.