DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Mouse
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.