Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’m having an out of money experience.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras