I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave