got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading