6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Morning.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
dads on road-trips be like
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Same pineapple, same
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ