Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Lmbo
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My typo game is string.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.